I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
