Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
