im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
