i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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