One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
