planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
