awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
