Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
