i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
