Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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