New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
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Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Someone came in the potted fern
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He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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