Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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