just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
