like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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