ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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