Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
we're making bets on your personal life
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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