her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
