When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
