the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
