My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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