I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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