I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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