I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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