Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
