My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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