My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We were destined to go to rehab together
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
