I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
