This girl is more easily done than said...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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