just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
