Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
