eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
