You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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