He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
