I love black thongs
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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