haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
