Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
