the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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