the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
