the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
