I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
