the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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