I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
