You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Randomize
