Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
