It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
