last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
