one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
