ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
