yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
