You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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