bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
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Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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