And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
