made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Let's get the cat blown out
Randomize
