When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
