Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
