Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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