I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
