I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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