Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
