i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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